Ex's and New relationships...

Hello everyone
This has been going through my mind lately, I have had times where I have seen friends or even family members go on and on about their ex's. I have also seen them do this while in arguments with their new relationships.

What I'd like to say is this, "If you bring up your ex and do not share a child with them, it is not a healthy thing to talk about for your relationship in general".

I'm no expert at relationships, but I do know, when a new relationship starts, I personally do not want to hear about the ex's, I don't talk about my ex's. I would however like to point out that, when you have a child with an ex, it might be more acceptable if they might happen to be discussed, but only when you have a child with that ex, as it is just inevitable. But if you have any ex's that you don't have children with, speaking about them can ruin your chances of that new relationships survival.

Personally, I don't like it when I get compared (whether positive or negative) to an ex. It just feels wrong, it's a total turn off and feels like it's only a means of smooth talking/flattery that I do not like to know. Here is an example, I don't want to be told my so and so body part is so much better than your ex's body part. I am feeling judged, not impressed or feeling at all confident that you like me or my body part better!

I'd also like to add that if ex's are going to be discussed, let the other bring it up, if you want to talk about it, you will. For me it is undesirable to bring ex's up, unless they want to talk about your past relationships...Is it a smart move? If that relationship has ended, isn't it meant to stay in the past?

Here are the reasons why I don't think it's a smart move to discuss ex's in new relationships.
No one likes to be compared to anyone else, because it feels judgmental, like you're not over that ex(s), as if you have to compete with someone that shouldn't even be discussed, that you're not good enough, that you need to do better than the ex in order to not hear about them anymore. Worse of all we think, that you're not over them. I hope I have explained this all right, and so others can understand it well enough.

I'd like to point out, if you have a miscommunication with an ex, and they don't know about the new relationship and have tried to communicate with you because you just come and go in their life and they need answers or even closure. I don't feel that ex should be to blame for any future relationship problems. It's not fair to leave someone in the dark, or hanging on for nothing if you're not going to call them back or even see them again. Keeping a person on a string as a means of a "back up plan" is unfair, wrong and just harder for them to trust or even forgive you (or anyone else for that matter) for it. If they care, it's very heartbreaking to find out you've found someone new, and even worse if you are still leading them on...And your idea of closure is to let them see you with someone else...when you didn't say anything.

But than again there are those crazy ex's who show up at your door screaming at you and looking psychotically at the new girl/guy. Those ex's you just can't ignore discussing in a new relationship. Those are the kinds that need the law to keep them away (if it works), and if your new relationship is meant to last, they will be understanding of the psycho path who just is so obsessed that they can't think of or do anything else...until of course someone they feel is better comes a long(for your sake lets hope so!) and then they leave you alone. Word of advice, be sure you warn your new girl/guy of that ex right away!

There are just so many reason why we should not bring up ex's. This was just to name a few. I feel I was maybe programed to know this stuff or just acquired this information over time. Either way, it feels programmed into my brain to know that discussing ex's isn't healthy for a new relationship.

Yes there is some personally added feelings here so others can understand a bit better, there are also personally added parts of what I have seen others experience in there too. Please do not judge nor assume what parts are personal.

Thanks for reading and have a great week!
AnnJ
"Think before you speak"