I figured something out about myself last night.
I seem selfish to others, but really..I am afraid of happiness! This may sound strange, "How can anyone be afraid of happiness?" ..But truthfully, a lot of people who have come and gone in my life. Well they did nice things for me and I was grateful, maybe even happy about it! Which is great, but some, well actually a lot of of them, okay lets face it, most of them..Only seemed to do it so that they could say they did to prove they are a good person and to say I was ungrateful later-on because they did something for me, but an argument later-on it would get thrown in my face, or I was used in some way afterwards.
I am not sure if anyone would have experienced this or can relate. But it has happened so much that when someone else does something nice for me now, I end up questioning why later. Because it had happened so much, I am always thinking there is now an interior motive why they were good or nice to me in some way, whether they gave me something or were just nice. I always question it now! How can I be happy if someone does something for me and means only to be caring when I feel something is behind the reason they did it?
This is why I can't be with anyone, no friends, no mate. No one except my child and my mother when she wants to visit. And I hope she doesn't hesitate, I have missed her since she left. How can I be happy? It is my biggest challenge, how do I know who I can trust with all this knowledge? I am afraid to trust anyone anymore, even myself I can't even make myself happy and if I can't how could anyone else? I would never make anyone happy because I will have a hard time being happy myself just to try my best to make them happy?
I just don't know anymore! Has anyone felt like this before? I am having a sad, sad day.
PS-How do you get happiness back in your life; if it feels like others, just want to steal it away as soon as it arrives?
