Relationships, just thoughts...

There are so many days I wish I was in a relationship, I miss being held close, I miss having someone I can share those intimate thoughts with. Walking hand in hand, laying in the spoon position, long hours of gentle yet assuring silence. A simple kiss on my cheek or forehead, just because. A loving glance across the room. I haven't really experienced that too many times in my life time...I'm sad to admit.

I really haven't had many relationships to reassure myself that I make a good partner! I know I am a good friend, a good moral support, a motivator, and I try to inspire others to follow their hearts desire into the parts of themselves that they are too afraid to be, for fear of rejection or critics.

Am I a good partner in a relationship? I haven't had a real relationship for 5+ years. Am I broken? I wonder if I could even stand being with someone ever again, if I would care about myself enough to be happy with someone other than myself. There are so many questions I ask myself when it comes to thoughts of "finding someone"...Am I lovable? I believe I am, I love me...Obviously. But will someone else love me...For me?

I'm a single mom, it's hard work, my son in now 14, taller than me and boys are hard to raise.

It's been a long time, I am torn between, "do I want to be with someone?" or "do I want to end up alone when my son grows old enough to move out on his own?"!

Is that sad? It makes me feel sad, just thinking and writing about it. :-(

Am I breaking my own heart? I have only "been with" two men. I'm 36...
I have always told myself "No settling" for no love and just a partner, so here is what it has me at...
When it comes to that part of my life * love, romance* and actually having any..I am saddened by thoughts of "maybe I am not good enough to be in a relationship", but I miss being loved in such a way. Is that loneliness? Maybe, but I don't know.

I am craving to find someone I have chemistry with...That has only happened once...To be honest. Everything else in live seems easy comparing it to romance.
I don't know what else to write.

Have a good week.
Ann

Happiness

I figured something out about myself last night.
I seem selfish to others, but really..I am afraid of happiness! This may sound strange, "How can anyone be afraid of happiness?" ..But truthfully, a lot of people who have come and gone in my life. Well they did nice things for me and I was grateful, maybe even happy about it! Which is great, but some, well actually a lot of of them, okay lets face it, most of them..Only seemed to do it so that they could say they did to prove they are a good person and to say I was ungrateful later-on because they did something for me, but an argument later-on it would get thrown in my face, or I was used in some way afterwards.

I am not sure if anyone would have experienced this or can relate. But it has happened so much that when someone else does something nice for me now, I end up questioning why later. Because it had happened so much, I am always thinking there is now an interior motive why they were good or nice to me in some way, whether they gave me something or were just nice. I always question it now! How can I be happy if someone does something for me and means only to be caring when I feel something is behind the reason they did it?

This is why I can't be with anyone, no friends, no mate. No one except my child and my mother when she wants to visit. And I hope she doesn't hesitate, I have missed her since she left. How can I be happy? It is my biggest challenge, how do I know who I can trust with all this knowledge? I am afraid to trust anyone anymore, even myself I can't even make myself happy and if I can't how could anyone else? I would never make anyone happy because I will have a hard time being happy myself just to try my best to make them happy?

I just don't know anymore! Has anyone felt like this before? I am having a sad, sad day.
PS-How do you get happiness back in your life; if it feels like others, just want to steal it away as soon as it arrives?