Happiness

I figured something out about myself last night.
I seem selfish to others, but really..I am afraid of happiness! This may sound strange, "How can anyone be afraid of happiness?" ..But truthfully, a lot of people who have come and gone in my life. Well they did nice things for me and I was grateful, maybe even happy about it! Which is great, but some, well actually a lot of of them, okay lets face it, most of them..Only seemed to do it so that they could say they did to prove they are a good person and to say I was ungrateful later-on because they did something for me, but an argument later-on it would get thrown in my face, or I was used in some way afterwards.

I am not sure if anyone would have experienced this or can relate. But it has happened so much that when someone else does something nice for me now, I end up questioning why later. Because it had happened so much, I am always thinking there is now an interior motive why they were good or nice to me in some way, whether they gave me something or were just nice. I always question it now! How can I be happy if someone does something for me and means only to be caring when I feel something is behind the reason they did it?

This is why I can't be with anyone, no friends, no mate. No one except my child and my mother when she wants to visit. And I hope she doesn't hesitate, I have missed her since she left. How can I be happy? It is my biggest challenge, how do I know who I can trust with all this knowledge? I am afraid to trust anyone anymore, even myself I can't even make myself happy and if I can't how could anyone else? I would never make anyone happy because I will have a hard time being happy myself just to try my best to make them happy?

I just don't know anymore! Has anyone felt like this before? I am having a sad, sad day.
PS-How do you get happiness back in your life; if it feels like others, just want to steal it away as soon as it arrives?

Happy Mothers day!

I am having a good mothers day weekend! My mom came to visit and stay with me for the week end! This may seem regular for others, but for me it is a gift! Because My mother and I haven't been really close for years. I moved in with my father after I turned twelve, and well we kind of fell apart! I have always loved my mother and so this was a bit hard on both of us over the years.

Random Topics

I am just going on many random topics here so just bare in mind that I a bit of a strange person :-)

Today I was randomly reminded of a documentary I watched quite a few years ago! It was about men going through sex changes or maybe it was about both sexes going through with it. Anyways they were asking others that had gone through with the operations what they missed if anything or if they regretted anything. There were no regrets but I remember one man who had became a woman. He said he missed the orgasm he had said that, that was the only thing he had missed. So I figured I would put this here in case anyone was going through the same change and may want to know that before hand. To some it can be a big deal and to some it is only minor.

Next topic :-) ...As I said these are completely random!
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I have been thinking and researching about random things every day. Everyday a thing will come to mind so I will do some research on it as I find it very interesting or think it might be amusing.
I have been also learning with these researches so I am getting smarter as well.

My topics of research ranges from time travel and to working online! So as you can see this goes from one random thing to the next, but it is of personal interest.
I am an artist
I am a teacher
I am a student
I am a mother
I am a daughter
I am a cousin
I am a sister
I am a step daughter
a half sister
I research:
Math
Secrets of Mental Math: The Mathematicians Guide to Lightning Calculation and Amazing Math Tricks(amazon find)
Physics
Vocabulary
Old artists
Religions
Religions of the World
Man I had no idea how many there really are out there way more than anyone could possibly imagine really!!)
Symbolism
Digital arts and tutorials to better my skills
Many different Science topics or types?
Beliefs(which could tie into religion depending on how you look at it)
History
Space
Really whatever I question or comes to mind I pretty much research it! I love the Internet for researching these different topics, subjects and things! I love many things. I will also look up lyrics to see what I never understood in them when I was just a naive child who loved singing and listening to music. Music is different to me now, I try my best not to listen to it anymore. Why? Too many songs remind me of so many different sad things in life in general and personally as well.
That is all I can think of for now if I think of more I shall add more, but I will add edit to the title of this blog and place a edit space near the bottom here so you all know what is new :-) I am good like that! Saves for those who read the old part to find the new if they should come back to see if anything new is added :-)
Anyways Have a good day and take care1